Waldorf Summer Camp

Henry came home from his last day of camp on Friday and brought home the most beautiful watercolor paintings. This was Henry's first year of summer camp and he had a wonderful experience. He went to the Chicago Waldorf School which is a very established Waldorf school. Waldorf schools are very big on child-centered learning, having a clear rhythm to the day, and lots of time for art, music, sports, being outside and unstructured play. The school is up North and close to the Lake so every afternoon they spent a few hours at the beach.

The environment was extremely warm and nurturing and Henry just soaked it up. Always one with a big heart, his compliments and hugs were infectious and he really bonded with his teachers in just the two weeks. He also made several best friends and developed a real affinity for building sand castles, tunnels and collecting treasures.

Although the experience for Henry was wonderful we most likely won't be headed back there next summer. I knew that the 30 minute one-way commute was going to be difficult to mesh into our schedule (especially since Ms. Brenda is 15 minutes in the opposite direction). But it became patently obvious that 1.5 hours in the car each morning just doesn't fit our family. Besides not relishing the idea of expanding our carbon footprint by that much each morning, the experience confirmed my notion that time together is one of our key family values. It doesn't hurt of course that we live in a city bustling with summer camps-- so i've already bookmarked a few to explore for next summer-- both around the corner from Ms. Brenda.

When your child needs a drill sargent and you're more the empathetic type

If you're friends with me on Facebook you probably noticed that something seemed to be up with Silas by the 500+ posts about tantrums, behavior struggles, and all around difficult times this winter.

We started having difficulties in the fall with getting Silas dressed. He didn't want to put clothes on and would be completely overwhelmed and emotional. The episodes were so difficult but thankfully somewhat infrequent and we just powered through them. But then after Christmas Silas seemed to become obsessed with his pajamas and staying home. Most mornings we spent the entire 1.5 hours we have to eat breakfast, play and get ready for school spent in terrible, tantrums with Silas.

On the few occasions that Silas had a tantrum about something clear-cut (i want to watch another Little Bear- waaaah!) it was very easy to shut it down clearly and forcefully with no misgivings on my part.

But when Silas was sobbing and screaming that he just wanted to "put his pjs on and stay hooome!" it had me thinking he was having security or emotional issues and that empathy was the way to go. So eventually i let him wear his pajamas to school. And maybe things improved for a little bit-- it at least gave us some space to stop having an emotional power struggle every single morning.

But, then things got even worse. What i finally came to realize that while i was worried about hurting him by forcing him to wear clothes when he was looking for comfort in his pajamas, it was actually "hurting" him more by letting him run the show. He doesn't really want to run the show-- but he is hardwired to test the boundaries every second he can.

Once i accepted that my job really was to run his life, to only give him the choices that i decided, and to know that it might take physically forcing him into clothes for a little while-- we had "behavior bootcamp" as i termed it.

I told him that things were going to change-- and we talked about what mommy decides and what Silas decides. Mommy decides that he has to wear clothes to school, that he has to wear a coat in the winter, must wear shoes to leave the house-- but socks, socks were completely Silas' purview. Then when he wouldn't do something that i told him we must do (get dressed, take a bath, etc.) i would tell him i was going to count to three and if he didn't do what i had asked, i would do it for him which he hated. For the first day we basically did this for every step of our day-- getting dressed, brushing our teeth, taking a bath, etc.

Remarkably by the second day most times i just had to say "Silas, are we going to argue?" And by the count of three he would hop into the bath on his own or pick his clothes, etc.

We've had a few relapses that we've had to have mini "bootcamps" again, but they have been short-lived and less intense.

Now Silas is Silas. Which means he still does push every boundary he can. He also still throws tantrums. But in general they are less intense, don't last as long, and we always end them the same way. He has to calm himself down, give me a hug, and say he's sorry.

It was a really difficult learning process with Silas, and i had to go against my nature and the type of parenting that comes naturally (and worked just fine with Henry), but our whole family benefits now that i've embraced my inner drill sargent.

Chefing-- not so out of the blue

I know i said i would post about JT going to cooking school. And i've been meaning to. I've also been drafting posts in my head as i drift off to sleep. The difficulty is making the post interesting without putting JT in the public eye. If you haven't noticed, this blog is primarily about me and the boys. It is very little about JT and that is largely by design. JT is a very private person and is not interested in putting into the public sphere things he deems private-- which includes just about everything. And yet cooking school was a personal decision for him but also one we very much made and are adjusting to as a family.

So... here goes. First just to catch everyone up, JT has been thinking about cooking school and cooking professionally for about the past three years. During that time he made some professional changes to see if he could find more job satisfaction and used all of his free time to cook, read about cooking and generally become as immersed as possible in the world of professional cooking. Somewhere along the line we started talking about cooking school and a career change for him, but it was one of a few options. And we started saving, and projecting and budgeting (oh wait, that was just me.)

Over the course of those three years JT tried out a few other directions he was considering going in and decided that cooking and food was really where his primary passion lay. He got a few seasons of gardening under his belt, learned the basics of smooth kitchen operation (clean as you go), took over all the meal-planning and shopping and embellished his "routine" meals with things like 14 hour briskets and homemade hot dog buns.

He started researching cooking schools and hallelujah, found a great one here in Chicago. Even better Kendal College has what i call the "Executive Chef" Degree but i think is called something kinda mundane like the "Accelerated" Program. It's shorter and cheaper and designed for folks that already have a degree and don't need basic gen eds. Check, no need for writing 101.

So we set a one-year timetable. We saved almost all the pennies we could, set-up and mostly followed a quarterly "step-down" budget to ease back into living off of my non-profit salary, and began to talk about our plans with friends and family. JT and i talked ad infinitum about the changes we expected, how we'd handle them , and thoughts about how we'd handle what we didn't expect.

JT started in January and by all accounts is very happy-- although he has some work to do in certain areas like deboning fish and Cornish game hens. He loves nothing more than a new challenge and certainly cooking school meets that criteria. He's adjusted to his new 4:15 am alarm clock pretty well and i'm pretty proud of myself for navigating the mornings solo-- not my time to shine historically.

We're still feeling our way through the options, choices and challenges we will face after JT wraps up his program a little over a year from now. But we're taking one steady step in front of the next and just trying to talk-- a lot about all the new issues to sort out and routines to build.


Having seriously less money will be one of the biggest challenges, because of course money provides opportunities and options that not having money doesn't. But it also provokes creativity and simplicity which are values i've become to cherish more often. So we're making sure that we're "providing" for the boys and that they get the benefit of seeing their Dad making a difficult decision to do something that he loves and thinks will bring him happiness. Oh, and he learned how to iron his own stuff after almost 10 years of marriage!

Giving Back

In the past six months or so i feel like i've stumbled on to some blogs that have made some pretty significant contributions in my life. There's no linear telling of the stumblings, but soulemama.com was probably the nexus. Her beautiful photographs and telling of her family life re-focused my energies and spurred me to explore positive parenting approaches, learn about waldorf education, bring crafts into life with the boys, and embrace sewing and handwork in a big way.

And the reason i'm telling you all of this is to say that beyond inspiration and new hobbies, reading soulemama and some of the other parenting blogs has helped develop a positive thought line running through my head. Many of them discuss in their blogs how grateful they are for what surrounds them-- even when things aren't going right. It really is infectious if you hear this kind of talk enough.

So while part of me is whining that i was so excited for this week off, several days to sew and shop and cook and be productive and that it's not fair to be sick, the other part of me is saying that i'm grateful i have three full days to rest if need-be, a laptop to watch movies on, listen to music and connect when i feel like it, and especially for the little boys that have become very adept and (usually) willing to pick up the downstairs when the toy explosion starts to reach the high-water mark.

I'm not having the morning i wanted (gym, shopping, and then massage); but i am having the morning that i need (in bed with the newspaper, the laptop, coffee and saving my energy for said massage.)

Wishing you and yours a grateful week!

Feedback Loop

From November 2009

Even with the Internet, and a community of supporters that i can access on the phone, online and in-person, sometimes parenting can be a bit of an isolating job. I've been lucky enough to have the opportunity to volunteer in Henry's classroom once a week for the past few months and it's been such a rewarding experience. Seeing Henry outside of his family environment is a joy-- and allows me to clearly see his strengths without having to deal with the "hands-on" parenting that makes you feel like you're in the trenches when you're at home.

I also get a chance to meet all of Henry's classmates, learn their names and see how Henry interacts with them. I recently came across this quote and nodded my head vigorously; "If you ask preschoolers, "What did you do at school today?" they will typically say, "Nothing." Honestly, i was happy to read this as some kids i know just gush the goings-on of their day. But not Henry. For as long as he's been talking, when you ask him what he did at school- or even try to be creative and ask him the funniest or silliest thing that happened he seems to delight in telling you a) nothing happened or b) he just started at the wall all day.

The book went on to say: "But if they get other cues-- you start to sing one of the songs or they see or smell something similar-- you can get an amazingly detailed rendition of the morning's activities."


Being in Henry's classroom gives me the details to be able to ask questions that he'll actually answer, or to weave his classmates names into our conversation. I've considered it laying the groundwork, and in fact it has allowed him to open up and share more with me-- almost as if because he doesn't have to educate me from scratch it's something he'll consider doing.

Henry seems to love having me in the classroom as well-- asking throughout the week if it's the day i come to help at his school. He's really great about honoring the conversation we had the first week in which i explained that i'm still his Mom, but when i'm in the classroom i'm there to help Ms. Laura and all the other boys and girls. He gives me an enormous hug when i'm ready to leave, and interacts with the activities i lead-- but is just as comfortable picking other centers.

But the place i started this post was to say that i've received some hugely valuable positive feedback from Ms. Laura about my skills with the kids. I'm not sure if i can explain how those comments helped shore me up. The kids have both been in some rough patches for awhile and i haven't always felt like i'm doing a great job mothering them. My patience and problem solving skills only go so far. So, being in a classroom with 20 kids and feeling like i know how to help manage the classroom and interact in very positive ways with the kids has been wonderful.

Motherhood as Continuing Ed

I recently finished reading a book called You are Your Child's First Teacher, by Rahima Baldwin Darcy. An Amazon reviewer lamented it was long on theory and short on practicalities. I disagree because i did find practical advice in the book-- at least enough to get the gears moving, and I felt the "theory" or rhetoric provided soulful salve at a time that isn't all butterflies and moonbeams with the kids. As you can tell from the quotes i jotted down below, one of the theses of the book that resonated with me is all about how parenting is our own adult journey-- spurred on by our kids.

Just as babies don't wait until the world and our lives are in perfect order before they are born, children don't wait until we are "perfect parents." Indeed, we will be better off if we can give up the idea of perfection in regard to parenting. Parenting is a process of mutual growth, in which parents and children grow in different levels through their interactions and through elements they bring into one another's lives.

I gave up on perfection a long time ago. I was raised amongst perfectionists and i never did see the return in that last 2%-- enough to make me happy and to do a good job has pretty much always been my mantra. And yet, this idea that we are to keep growing and learning based on the interactions we have with our children resonated.

I can't easily think of anything else other than the experience of parenting, that causes you to look at a pregnant lady, or a pregnant mom of a toddler and think "boy, you just wait." And, it's not ego necessarily, not completely a need to revel in your own hard-won experience. Part of it is just an honest knowing that one way or another, one personality or another, the new phase these folks are going to enter into is going to push their boundaries at some point. Of course the same way a mother of three or of teenagers or of grown children looks at me.

And this is where Darcy's book really started to emit sparks for me:

If we see parenting as part of our own inner growth and development and see our children as unique individuals with their own personalities and lives to live, we will be less likely to fall into feelings of guilt.

I also don't tend to carry guilt so that wasn't the hook, but this ideas that being a mother, parenting these two boys is part of my own development has really spurred a bit of a renaissance in my mothering. I've struggled with how to describe this because it's not as if i was "Sleeping Mother" going through the motions of childrearing, suddenly awakened to an interest in my children. No, it's more that i've always loved my boys in an unbounded familial way and now i've discovered a way to apply all my functional "work" skills and interest to the family.

Bear with me if this sounds strange, but i love organizing things, creating schedules and problem-solving. I've been drawing on these skills ever since i started this parenting jig, but somehow in the last few weeks i've really began to apply these skills and interests to the kids in a focused way. And one of the best parts is that JT and i have been brainstorming and strategizing together.

I worry this is sounding a bit nutso. It is difficult to describe. I think the take-away is that i've had a bit of an awakening recently that the kids will not stay young or even in our house forever-- that days are long but the years are short, and finding a way for us all to feel like we're growing and moving together is crucial.

Creativity

From September 2009

One of the offshoots of some of my recent reading, as well as just feeling a transition in the boys, has led to my attempts to integrate more creativity into all of our lives. I've been greatly influenced by Amanda Blake Soule's (Soule Mama) blog and her first book (i can't wait until the second one gets to our library!) And have embarked upon creative attempts in a several different directions. Partly i'm interested in incorporating more "arts and crafts" in a straightforward manner into our lives. And partly i feel something a little more complicated about wanting to slow down more with the boys and have time to actually create together. So "create" has taken on a very relaxed interpretation in the past several weeks.

Practically I've approached the idea of "creating more" by re-tuning our schedule to allow tv/videos/computer only on the weekends. It's amazing how this helps open up little pockets of time. I've started a binder of kid friendly projects that i've been using to select one big project for each weekend. I also reorganized all the art supplies so that both the "no assistance necessary" (crayons, color pencils and the like) and "some assistance necessary" (pompons, "real" glue, beads) are within Henry's reach. The two biggest contributors to forward progress though have been buying a small desk for Henry so that he has a dedicated "creative" space, and sitting down with Henry to water color, cut, or just create.

From September 2009

Henry's very excited about his desk and it has given him a little special space that is out of the way and lets him go off and have some alone time when he needs it. As Henry and Silas get closer, they get more and more intertwined. There bond has grown for sure, but so has (at least Henry's) need for some alone time. This desk was a pretty crucial step in helping them find a way to establish this.

You'll notice that so far i'm only talking about Henry in all of this. Silas is not interested in "art" right now and only very fleetingly will deign himself to color or paint. He was exactly the same way with books for a very long time and only just recently became interested in sitting still to be read to. This has prompted the biggest creative development for all of us-- periodic book time. Sometimes they don't go willingly, but i find that if i can get the boys to the couch or the bed or the playroom floor and agreeing to a book (or at least who gets to pick first) everyone's blood pressure drops several beats and their breathing becomes more regular. I can just sense it happening for them and *feel* it happening for me-- even when 2 minutes before i was aware of my last nerve stretched taut.

The coming fall weather helps. I can forsee a winter of evenings huddled around the kitchen table, long weekends spent in the middle of big and small projects. The image is at least a good bit enticing although for the part of me wishing summer would never end, i feel like i have some new ideas to meet the long hibernation that i know is coming. I promise more pictures of all the fruits of our work to come soon.

Playroom Overhaul

I've been doing some initial reading and learning (mostly web-based at this point although the library books are in transit) about Waldorf and Montessori theories around child-development and play. My take away from the surprisingly similar starting tenants to play and playrooms that both Waldorf and Montessori sites espouse are:

- Simplify. Cut back. Downsize. Doesn't matter how natural, or cool or creative your child's playthings are. When there are too many of them they get overwhelmed and their toys aren't appealing. Think Barney's, not Walmart.

- Well-made toys that are aesthetically appealing and open-ended are more appealing and last longer than easily broken toys that dictate how a child needs to play with them. This fits the quality over quantity point. For some folks this means only natural materials for toys-- to me it just means a few well chosen toys that hold up, can be used all different ways and if they're beautiful and natural-- bonus!

--Kids need their stuff out in the open. Ideally organized on low-shelves where things are out in the open or stored in open containers for small items. Check! This was my own conclusion after 3 years of trying to bring organization to the play room.

--The other key tenant which we're working on is having kids pick up their playroom-- putting things back where it goes. Part of what seems to help this is having a dedicated spot for everything. I struggle with this honestly, because i'm constantly trying to better organize their playthings-- editing, and oftentimes working in new toys they've been given. So we're working on having them take ownership for picking up but i don't think i'm ready for a system like they have at preschool where each toy or bin is numbered and there is a corresponding spot in the shelf for the item.

There's lots more to both waldorf and montessori philosophy for both play as well as childrens' development, but i've been focusing on these points as an entree to integrating more creativity into the boys days.


As you can tell from the photos, simplifying hasn't meant barren. It's amazing how you cart half the stuff to the basement and the playroom is still almost overflowing. I'm watching carefully though and almost everything in there gets constant use. The only thing i'm not certain about is the bookshelf. So far i haven't applied the same (take out half) approach i have in other places. They probably would read more different books if there were fewer choices. But somehow having an entire shelf of books to browse seems too important to me. So i'm holding off at this point. What do you think?

Sleep Training- A Response

I have a good friend that is embroiled in sleep-training her little one. We had our fair share of sleep-training with both Henry and Silas (who were difficult in different ways) and I've managed to become somewhat of an expert on some different techniques for the grueling process. Lots of people don't agree with any version of sleep training but we do. JT and I believe that you're teaching a child how to sleep well for the rest of their lives. Tammy posted some sleep training questions and i thought i would use this post to provide my answers to them. For the record there are two sleep books i would absolutely read: The first is Weissbluth's Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child and if you happen to have a non-colicky baby the book 12 Hours Sleep in 12 Weeks.

1. Do we set up our pre-training “bedtime” environment? Do we turn on white noise, let her turn on her crib aquarium, leave music playing, dim lights? Or is now the time to simplify our sleep “crutches”? (we left our set-up the same)

You need a routine for bedtime. It can be very simple. If you already have one continue to do it. If you want to inject one additional thing (i think the white noise would be great especially given question 7) but i wouldn't add any additional steps before you actually put her down to sleep.

2. What if she poops/pees?
I thought she had pooped one night so I changed her. It turned out to just be pee, but it probably was good to wake her up a smidge after the feeding anyway.

If she poops you need to change her. No worries if it's just a wet diaper. It's nice not to have to change her but if you do you do and it's not a deal breaker. Unless you have reason to suspect she's got a dirty diaper after you feed her, i would change her before you feed her so that she's already drowsy and ready to go back to sleep after you feed her.

3. What about naps? Do we do sleep training for her daytime naps? We can NEVER get her to take naps. Still completely unresolved.

If she's having a hard time with naps you will most likely want to sleep train her with naps as well. Speaking from personal experience, i would wait to work on naps until you've got the nighttime ironed out pretty well. Weissbluth offers sleep research to indicate that daytime and nighttime sleep are neurologically different. Therefore using sleep training techniques at night and not during the day isn't actually confusing. Based on some of the same research though, daytime sleep is more difficult to "train." Ideally you will be healthy and have some good nighttime sleep under your belt before you attempt nap training. You must read the Weissbluth book before you get started because you will have many questions about how to do this.

4. Does the method recommend that you go completely cold turkey with no feeding at night? Or do you ease into sleeping through the night?

I've actually not read Ferber's book so i can't attest to his method. Depending on the age of the child and if there are any weight gain issues i think it's a choice about what strategy works best regarding night-time feedings. My personal preference and what i think is easiest to implement is to follow the steps that are outlined in the 12 weeks book and that i shorthanded below to lengthen the times between nighttime feedings and then work on phasing them out all together.

5. How to extend the period of time between feedings? What if she falls sleep during these nighttime feedings?

The 12 hours sleep in 12 weeks book offers step by step guidance for how to lengthen the time between nighttime feedings and eventually work on phasing them out all together. First she tells you to keep a log for a few days of at what times she's eating now and for how long. Then you work on a two-pronged strategy to lengthen the time between the feedings and shorten the feedings until you've eliminated each one.

From your post i think she's eating twice a night roughly around 1 am and 4 am. You set those as your new goalposts and you never feed her earlier than that. If she wakes up earlier you use your toolbox (could be letting her cry, giving her a pacifier, patting her, etc.-- see the book for a complete discussion of different techniques), to get her to the goalposts you set. The idea is to always move the ball forward and not let them creep backwards. If she wakes up and eats at 1:30 am tomorrow that becomes your new goalpost. Basically the idea is if she did it once she can do it again.

You also note how long she's eating. If she eats for 15 minutes at each feeding you start there. Every few days you reduce the amount of time by 2-3 minutes. If at any point she eats for less than that (and doesn't wake up with some gentle prodding) that's your new "time limit." There's something i'm forgetting about the order with which you phase out the feedings. So you're just going to have to read the book!

6. Is it ok if they fall asleep while you’re nursing them, then you wake them back up when they’re in the crib?

Weissbluth argues that it's fine if they fall asleep while they're nursing. It's a normal response to a totally soothing and relaxing ritual. You don't have to undergo any shock treatments to fully wake them up while putting them in the crib. Just lay them down normally so if they wake up they wake up but you're not setting out to arouse them from their peaceful slumber.

7. Should we be “extra quiet” in the rest of the house? We live in a small 1 bedroom floor-thru apartment, and I know Sadie sleeps at daycare when there are toddlers screaming about. So, should we get her to sleep with our standard-noise-level, or do we just need to learn to turn our standard-noise-level down? (we put headphones on to watch tv and tip-toed around the house)

No, you shouldn't be extra quiet. I would recommend the white noise machine (or waves or any other kind of soothing sound machine) to give her some buffer but she needs to be used to sleeping with normal night noises. This will help in the long-run if you ever want her to be able to sleep if it's not perfectly quiet. This won't help if you want to have friends over, and it also won't help if she's at camp sharing bunkbeds and the crickets are too loud.

Finally-- in addition to telling you that you really need to read the books, i'm also going to suggest that you try moving Sadie's bedtime up by 15 minutes and see what happens. Especially if she's struggling with naps i have a feeling she's overtired which makes getting them to sleep that much harder. Reach Weissbluth and we'll talk some more.

Finally, finally from one parent that has gone through this to another: this is hard. It's hard because it's terrible to hear your baby cry, it's terrible to know that the situation before wasn't good and there's no going back, but to not be able to see clear to the other side. It's terrible because as you noted, all the crying and the not knowing and the wondering and the questions sets you on edge, and your partner on edge. Call for support when you need it, read some books so that you've got an expert weighing in with the advantages of a good sleeper, and take breaks from the sleep training. You can take turns walking around the block or running to the drugstore just to get some distance from the crying.

So that's what it feels like

I'm not really a guilty person. I don't know if it's because i spent my formative years at an Episcopal school populated by Buddhists or what, but guilt is one thing i don't spend a lot of energy wrestling with. Which isn't to say that i lead a perfect life, but i do generally feel good about the decisions i make.

I had hoped that Silas would be feeling good enough today to head back to school. This was key in my strategy to get fully better, and also because now i'm VERY behind at work. His night went great and things were looking good until he just got very cranky and cried a lot while we were getting ready to leave the house. In the car on the way to school i kept going back and forth over whether to drop him off or not. I asked him if he wanted to go to school and he repeatedly used his "yes" grunt. So i hesitantly dropped him off with repeated requests that Brenda call me if he didn't seem like he was feeling well.

I got home and started to work and just had this ill-at-ease feeling invading my stomach and the rest of my body. I was having a hard time concentrating and i just felt... guilty that Silas wasn't home with me. I lasted about an hour and then called Brenda. She laughed and said "Silas is Silas-- he's doing fine." I know that means he's getting into all kinds of trouble, being mischievous, laughing and having fun. End of guilt. But whew, i sure am glad i don't feel that often!

Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Bronchitis?

So one of the things i've find most frustrating about being sick* is that i'm held back from all the things that i've planned on doing and really want to do. Sometimes they're fun things like take the boys to our community Halloween party, host my quilting group, or train for my upcoming 8K run. Sometimes they're not fun but necessary like finish bringing in the outside stuff for the winter, rake, clean out the garden, etc. Either way there's something out of my control getting in the way of my plans. I'm not the best at letting go of control but at this point i'm somewhere being accepting and being forced to accept that i have to in order to get better and resume normal operations. So, we're down for the count for a bit. Hopefully the medications will take effect and we'll be back on track in time for Halloween.

*In case we haven't been able to personally tell you we're struggling with the following:
JT: recovering from a two-week cold now in CA for a few days
Silas: home sick with a double ear-infection
Tamra: trying to recuperate from bronchitis and sinusitis while taking care of Silas, parenting solo and trying to crank out some necessary work
Henry: holding up as the healthiest one in the family

Rookies

New parents are like apprentices that got matched without a master. If they're lucky, they band together, tackle the unknown, and build their credentials together. It's pretty amazing to witness-- newbies shoring each other up, learning from one another and building on each others' confidence. But damn if it isn't inefficient.

By the time you've got some parenting notches in your belt, first time parents scream rookie-- they bathe the baby, run errands, and entertain the baby together. They can't fathom life with a baby and a toddler because every task takes both of them at this point.

Parents that have banked some experience can and do tackle kid care separately. Both to make time for individual interests-- you do the morning shift while i get to sleep late, i'll do the late one so you can read; and because each can handle the mundane alone. Some things are certainly easier with two and some are more fun, but by now the more experienced parents know they can tackle most childcare on their own.

This is more efficient and often makes the kids lives happier-- someone runs around town to buy groceries and hit the dry cleaner while someone else stays back to let the kids play around the house or head to the park. In it's efficiency and productivity, it loses a little bit of the connection that new parents can be blessed with. Because not only are they engaging in tasks side by side, they're learning a craft together. It's like going to a pottery painting studio-- but with soul.

In the spirit of thinking i know it all as a parent, i've offered to take my friends' two daughters to the zoo with us this weekend.

Favorites

I read an article lately that talked about one of those unspeakable parenthood topics-- favorites. The woman admitted to almost always having a favorite between her kids, but explained the favorite changed based on the phase one was in versus the other. For instance two year-old tantrums versus a six-month old sitting up, clapping and smiling-- but immobile.

This makes sens to me, but i'm also certain that to date my kids phases' have been more complicated than that-- making it less clear who the favorite would be. It's true that Henry is currently experimenting with talking-back, saying no, pretending not to hear you, and otherwise exercising his independent personality. And while Silas doesn't have the verbal prowess to argue with me, he does throw any item that strikes his fancy in the trash can and emits a high pitched wail when he doesn't get his way.

It's a wash really. Maybe because they're so close in age, their strengths and weaknesses seem balanced. It's possible i'll have a favorite at some point, but i'm sure to not write about it here.

Baby and Infant/Pregnancy Books

Pregnancy and Baby Book Reviews

Way before i was pregnant with Henry, and before we were even sure we were going to have children, i was in full research mode. I read everything i could get my hands on related to pregnancy, birth and infants. Of course by the time i was actually pregnant i was done with pregnancy books and focused on more specialized topics-- like child care. I read as many books about babies and sleep as i could get my hands on once Henry was born and found Weissbluth's book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child the most helpful.

I wrote mini-reviews of the books as i finished them and i've since shared this list several times with pregnant friends. So, i'm adding this to my resources section in the hope that it will help others embarking on their own pregnancies or child-rearing. I'd be happy to add some more recent reviews-- so free free to post your own in the comments section or email them to me through my profile.

Planning

When you're expecting or even thinking about having children one of the quesitons you'd like a concrete answer to is "no, but really, how is my life going to change?" For me, my relationship to advance planning has changed in a way i would not have anticipated.

Conventional wisdom (or a google search) teaches you that with children comes the shift from free-wheeling sprite to scheduling and planning commander. Laments about the inability to go out without advance planning abound. Maybe because i couldn't possibly make any more spreadsheets, i went the other direction once the bambinos showed up.


Whereas pre-children i enjoyed and was slightly frantic about having "plans" i now find entire weekends unscripted and they manage to pass enjoyably. Pre-children i enjoyed my share of downtime, but sitting around the house with just JT (no offense of course) got boring. I needed a weekend to have some solo-outings for me, shared stuff for the both of us and connecting with a friend or two along the way. If at least some of those didn't happen i felt unhappy and restless.

Because children demand a lot of work and also spontaneously produce entertainment, amusement and amazement, staying home all weekend might not be a cakewalk but i'm certainly not bored.

We are lucky and smart enough to schedule a babysitter every other week and this helps ensure we always have planned time for the two of us. Although i still love a good spreadsheet, scripted weekends and advance plans have slowly been replaced by impromptu painting sessions, wagon rides, tromps to the park and chores.

Glory Days

With JT down one-arm, there's an astonishing array of chores and parenting tasks that fall to me-- the able-bodied one. This temporary misalignment has given me a glimpse at what it would be like to be in a relationship where taking care of the house and the kids was entirely my job. I've got to say, it's not a place i'd like to be.

It's not just the sense that chores and household drudgery squash out the fun stuff in my day. I miss the sharing and the partnership that goes along with being jointly responsible for things. If i was in charge of the cooking, shopping, cleaning, kids (feeding, cleaning, discipline), and my sanity-- would JT listen as intently when i related an anecdote about a particularly crazy bath time or Silas making a beeline for the stairs as soon as i turned my back? Maybe, but now i know he's invested in our conversation because these things have happened to him and tomorrow (or in six weeks at least) it'll be his turn to keep everything under control.

I miss the help-- but i miss the camaraderie too. Some days, or really everyday from 6 to 7 pm, parenting can feel like fighting in the trenches and it's lonely without my comrade sharing the burden. I'm just thankful that normally this is a job we share.

12 Weeks, 2 Days/ 2 Years, 3 Months, 4 Days

Henry has his first dentist appointment today and while it could have gone it worse, it wasn't the greatest. Unfortunately the waiting room almost proved to be the most traumatic. I'm not sure if their carpet was particularly "grippy" or what, but Henry tripped about 4 times while we were in their offices. The first fall catapulted him headfirst into the bookshelf which definitely led to tears. He calmed down pretty quickly and they brought me some ice. I think it looked worse than it was because it's a little red but didn't seem to be bothering him much after just a few minutes.

The Dentist was very nice and they did a good job of trying to show him what was going to happen but he was shy and then a little freaked out. He laid in my lap while she looked at his teeth, counted them and assessed there risk for decay. She said that he has all of his last molars coming in and that in general his teeth were in good shape. She said for now we could delay flossing but to stay on-top of brushing twice a day. Primarily because of the crowding in his mouth, she said he was at a "medium" risk for decay. She also said that although his thumb-sucking was nothing to worry about (he only does it when he goes to sleep for a few minutes by now) that he does have a serious overbite. She didn't mention braces, but as someone that's had them twice (because of an overbite and a seriously overcrowded mouth), i figure we better start putting money aside for braces as well as college!

Silas and Kerala accompanied Corey and i to get pedicures today. They were both ready for a nap so we took turns holding them and getting them to sleep while we got our toes done. I'm washing all of our clothes with the special Rit SunGuard i bought that adds SPF to your clothes. Yes, i'm THAT mom, and i've already got the pictures to prove it...

21 Months, 6 Days

You may notice that the last several posts have been copies of the "baby roundtable" missives i've been sending to a group of new and experienced parents. I posted them
all to my blog and then created permanent links to these posts so that they will be a resource to other parents that aren't participating in the "live" version of the roundtable. You can find the links by looking in the sidebar on the right.

Henry will have quite a treat when i pick him up from Ms. Brenda's today. My mom spent Sunday with us and then headed out to the suburbs where she's been attending a conference. The conference wrapped up this afternoon so she's on her way out to stay with us tonight. Henry has added "Nonna" to the list of people that he asks about so i know he'll be exited to see her. It's funny though because he has a tounge twist when he says "Nonna"-- literally. I can't do the pronunciation justice in writing but it's pretty fun to watch.

21 Months

My post frequency has been affected by a "baby e-roundtable" i'm running with some friends and acquaintances. A fellow Mom and i were talking awhile back about all the people that we knew that were about to become first-time moms. She suggested we have a roundtable to pass on what we knew. I thought this was a great idea but would be difficult to pull together given our differing schedules. So, i came up with the e-roundtable.

Basically we've invited a group of current and future parents to participate. I send out an email to the group on a specific topic each week and then other participants chime in with questions or their own experiences or advice. So far it's been a lot of fun and i'm hoping helpful for those first-time moms we were targeting. I'm thinking that when it's all through i'll post it online and set-up links to the information on the right side of this blog. That way if you have friends you think could use the advice, it's there for the taking!

Henry and i had his second swim class today and he seemed a little more animated. Of course that swung wildly between really excitedly splashing around and screaming no, no, no when he didn't want to do something. All in all he seemed to have fun. One thing we really have to work on though is getting out of the pool. They have this set of steps that goes all the way down into the water and has a very gentle rise. Henry insists on being carried up and down these steps. Into the water isn't too big a deal but after i've been weightless for 30 minutes and then have to walk out of the water into real gravity with a 24 lb toddler-- i feel like i weigh about 300 pounds.

I had my 30-week midwife appointment and everything is still looking good. I passed my gestational diabetes test with flying colors, the baby is moving STRONGLY, and the heartbeat was really clear. We've started trying to make plans for Henry's care when i go into labor. Since the last labor was so fast, i feel like we don't have a lot of time to get Henry where he needs to go which is a little stressful. We'll be talking to some key Chicago actors in the coming days to hammer all of the details out.

20 Month pictures are up on Yahoo so don't say i'm not timely about everything!